Waiting....

I am not the most patient person in the world. Nor the most faithful. These past two months have really tested my faith. Thankfully, I have grown closer to God and to my husband and family and friends. I have said numerous times, I can't imagine going through this trial without God. Your faith is REALLY tested when you truly face your own mortality. I am glad that I am going to Heaven and that I will meet my Lord. I still don't want to die. What is interesting, is that I have asked God for a few more years on earth, so I can be with Zachary as he grows up and enjoy time with my husband some more. I love my Z men so much!!! Zev and Zachary. Who knew I would be so blessed!???

So the reason why I haven't posted about my brain cancer lately is because I am still waiting to hear what the treatment will be. I am praying to hear a PLAN when we meet with the local oncologist this Thursday (ie tomorrow). I am not the most patient person in the world (I know, I already mentioned that!) but honestly, this recent cancer experience has made me more patient. I take the time to smell the roses and appreciate the simple things in life. Time spent with people is such a special gift.

So, in a nutshell, we are waiting to hear back as to what the chemo and radiation treatment will be. I think I mentioned this in a previous post, but the reason for the delay is that I have a rare tumor. So basically, because my tumor is so rare, no long term studies have been done to know what chemo drug works best. There is a neuro-oncology expert at UVA and one at Johns Hopkins that are doing more testing on the sample taken from my brain surgery, to narrow down the options for chemo drugs. Apparently (and I am learning something new about brain cancer every day) but there are many types of brain cancer and some types respond better to certain chemo drugs than others. Being "rare" or unique is good in most cases; except this one. Or at least as far as I see it. Zev has become quite the optimist lately and reminds me that having a rare tumor means that more people are looking at it, which is a good thing. He is such a good man.

As a Christian, I am called to TRUST in The Lord my God with all my heart. He will direct my path. Yesterday I had an MRI. I talked with the MRI tech about my brain surgery and she was fascinated with the fact that nowadays, certain locations around America can do an Intra-operative MRI. I tried explaining to her how it worked and then suggested that she look it up on the Internet. I still can't believe I had an awake craniotomy a little over a month ago.

The enemy likes to get in my head and play games. When he does this, I pray to God for strength and the enemy flees. Praying for faith is another thing. I prayed for faith and for God to increase my faith as I lay in the MRI machine yesterday. My faith was as small as a mustard seed yesterday though. Do I believe in miracles? Yes. Do I believe that God will deliver me from this cancer? Honestly, I don't know. I believe the God is capable of doing so, but as to whether His will is to deliver me from this illness is another question. That's a hard concept, a bitter pill to swallow.

In addition to Jesus Calling, I am also doing (like every third or fourth day!) a devotional called Prayers for Emotional Wholeness by Stormie Ormatian. I feel like a broken record saying this, but today's devotional applies to my current situation PERFECTLY:

Lord, I know you have called those of a us who are your sons and daughters to have faith in You and in Your ability to keep us and guide us. Help me to make faith a daily walk. I trust You to do whatever is necessary to bring me to complete wholeness.

"I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes...for in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, "The just shall live by faith."
Romans 1:16-17.

God is working on me. I pray that His will be done in my life. I pray that I can glorify Him in some way.

Thanks for your prayers and support!

Fiona :-)