Sunday, November 24, 2013

Weakness and God's Grace

"But He said to me, "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made PERFECT in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

These past few weeks has been TOUGH.  Although my MRI on Monday, November 18th showed that the tumor was stable and hadn't grown and was most certainly a PRAISE, I wasn't able to enjoy the joy and relief that so many members of my family and friends felt. I was in essence, depressed. For a girl who's normally positive, glass-half-full and happy, the dark, empty, lonely feelings that came with this depression (probably related to 15 months of chemo and all that goes with that), were awful and scary and....LONELY. I honestly truly believed, as recently as the day of and the days after my MRI, that I was alone, that no one wanted to hear me complain, that I was a bad mother, a bad wife and that this depression would NEVER end. I truly believed that. I dreaded waking up each morning and when I looked into my eyes, they looked dull and sad. Not a fun place to be in at all. Thankfully, I've moved on from that place and never want to go back there.

Throughout this whole cancer journey, Zev has astounded me with his selflessness, his patience, his mercy and his reasoning. On my good days and bad. He is so strong. I thank God for him every day. He truly embodies the qualities about Jesus, although he doesn't like it when I say that, because he feels that he could never measure up to Jesus. None of us can measure up to Jesus, because He is perfect, but I believe that Jesus is embodied through his people on earth.

So our church was having a revival the weekend of my MRI. It actually began on that Sunday and continued for 4 days. We missed the first two sermons and I honestly didn't feel like going to church for revival on Tuesday, November 19th. I felt THAT hopeless, believing the lie that I couldn't be revived. Well, my darling husband gently lead Zachary and I along to church that evening. The logistics of "it all" seemed too great: he was tired from work, I was depressed, Zachary would have to stay up later than his usual sleep time, it was cold. But we went. 

The first night was good. It's not like this massive light switch went off and everything was better. I didn't feel attacked by the enemy in the church sanctuary. The second night is when that light that I had been craving for burst forth in abundance and the darkness was lifted from my head. I felt that "ah ha" moment and truly GOT IT. The message was on grace. I thought "this won't apply to me, God I need healing. I begged you to miraculously heal me as I lay in that MRI machine on Monday and you didn't. I don't know how I can carry on living with cancer."

The pastor gave us the acronym GINY: God I Need You. There is a popular Christian song out there that has these words. God I need you, I need you NOW. He explained that when we become Christians, God doesn't promise u that it will all be a walk in the park. The Bible specifically tells us that hardships and troubles may come. But as the pastor explained, God is there to CARRY US THROUGH and when we ask for GRACE, HE PROMISES TO GIVE IT TO US. Although He didn't miraculously take that tumor away, when I asked Him for the grace to deal with it, to live with it, every single day, he gave it to me. Yes. Thank you, Lord, thank you so much.

So, the next day after that night and after the revival ended, I had MOPS at our church. I was feeling better (Zev believes that a lot of this has to so with the chemo messing with my chemistry) but I wasn't at 100% of my normal self. Zachary and I went to MOPS. It was a fun session and the best part came at the end when as the Steering Committee members were packing up, Rebekah and Heather and a bunch of us ladies gathered together in a side room to pray. Over me. Tears streamed down my face as I realized that God's hands and feet where being realized through these women, who shared the joys and the struggles as mothers and as bearers f our own crosses along with me. The Bible also tells us to lift one another up. 

I'm so happy and THANKFUL to report that I have had a happier day every day since then. Thank you, Lord, for grace to deal with the seemingly impossible struggles and for your people, your church. 

We enjoyed a lovely Thanksgiving with Zev's parents yesterday and are enjoying the simplicities of every beautiful day. I pray every morning for God to give me my manna for that day, and thank Him for His provision.

Have a wonderful holiday season and God bless,

Fiona xo

"For when I am weak, then I am STRONG." 2 Corinthians 9:11

No comments: