Pac-man

I have a confession to make. I haven't been feeling physically or emotionally or even spiritually strong lately. I've actually been feeling weak and vulnerable. And sad. For those of you that know me personally, you'll know that I hardly get sad. I usually encourage others and have so much energy. I am known as the happy girl, the girl with the smile. I am GENUINELY happy most of the time! Not this week. Or last week. I haven't been in the Word as much lately. I have hardly opened my Bible. I haven't spoken to God. Haven't been angry or sad. I haven't questioned Him as to why He allowed me to have brain cancer and I haven't blamed Him.

My faith has been as small as a mustard seed at times, but I have never lost my faith in The Lord. He is good, still so good. I've just been afraid to go to Him with my fears concerning cancer. And death. I don't want to die. Especially not of brain cancer!! He already knows my fears though, and He will provide me strength to get through this scary season, even when I can't see the end.

I am due to start chemotherapy on Monday (tomorrow!) We close on a house we're buying on Tuesday afternoon. So we are in the middle of packing! We did joke a few weeks ago that "wouldn't it be something if I began chemo on the same week as we move!?"

I received my chemotherapy medication in the mail on Friday. The packaging scared the wits out of me. I posted a picture, the picture below actually, on Facebook. I wrote "What if I don't want to take it? I am not looking forward to Monday. Wish I didn't have cancer."

I researched about Temodar when I got home today. It is literally meant to eat up cancer cells. Someone told me the other day to picture chemotherapy as "Pac-man". I like that visual image, of a mouth going through and eating up all the bad cancer cells.

Another friend kindly advised me to think positively. To BELIEVE that God can and WILL heal me! There are so many examples of Jesus healing others in the Bible- why don't I believe that He can heal me? It has only been recently that I have believed that He can heal me. Where the doctors say my brain cancer is not curable, I believe that God can cure it. Not only that, He WILL cure it! All in God's perfect timing.

Today's devotional from my Stormie Omartian devotional (I know, it's been a while since I posted a devotional) is spot on. How does the sovereign Lord know what I am going through at exactly the right time?

"Lord, when my world is shaken, help me to remember that You are unshakeable. When I feel weak, help me sense Your strength giving me power to rise above my circumstances. When I am afraid, help me to remember to worship You in the face of fear. When I need to stand strong, help me to remember all the great things You have already done for me. May those memories provoke wholehearted praise for what You are about to do in my life.

Fear The Lord, and serve Him in truth with all your heart; for consider what great things He has done for you."

I am so grateful for my blessings. Especially my two Z men.

Happy fall y'all!!!

FIFi xo