Saturday, October 20, 2012

Pac-man

I have a confession to make. I haven't been feeling physically or emotionally or even spiritually strong lately. I've actually been feeling weak and vulnerable. And sad. For those of you that know me personally, you'll know that I hardly get sad. I usually encourage others and have so much energy. I am known as the happy girl, the girl with the smile. I am GENUINELY happy most of the time! Not this week. Or last week. I haven't been in the Word as much lately. I have hardly opened my Bible. I haven't spoken to God. Haven't been angry or sad. I haven't questioned Him as to why He allowed me to have brain cancer and I haven't blamed Him.

My faith has been as small as a mustard seed at times, but I have never lost my faith in The Lord. He is good, still so good. I've just been afraid to go to Him with my fears concerning cancer. And death. I don't want to die. Especially not of brain cancer!! He already knows my fears though, and He will provide me strength to get through this scary season, even when I can't see the end.

I am due to start chemotherapy on Monday (tomorrow!) We close on a house we're buying on Tuesday afternoon. So we are in the middle of packing! We did joke a few weeks ago that "wouldn't it be something if I began chemo on the same week as we move!?"

I received my chemotherapy medication in the mail on Friday. The packaging scared the wits out of me. I posted a picture, the picture below actually, on Facebook. I wrote "What if I don't want to take it? I am not looking forward to Monday. Wish I didn't have cancer."

I researched about Temodar when I got home today. It is literally meant to eat up cancer cells. Someone told me the other day to picture chemotherapy as "Pac-man". I like that visual image, of a mouth going through and eating up all the bad cancer cells.

Another friend kindly advised me to think positively. To BELIEVE that God can and WILL heal me! There are so many examples of Jesus healing others in the Bible- why don't I believe that He can heal me? It has only been recently that I have believed that He can heal me. Where the doctors say my brain cancer is not curable, I believe that God can cure it. Not only that, He WILL cure it! All in God's perfect timing.

Today's devotional from my Stormie Omartian devotional (I know, it's been a while since I posted a devotional) is spot on. How does the sovereign Lord know what I am going through at exactly the right time?

"Lord, when my world is shaken, help me to remember that You are unshakeable. When I feel weak, help me sense Your strength giving me power to rise above my circumstances. When I am afraid, help me to remember to worship You in the face of fear. When I need to stand strong, help me to remember all the great things You have already done for me. May those memories provoke wholehearted praise for what You are about to do in my life.

Fear The Lord, and serve Him in truth with all your heart; for consider what great things He has done for you."

I am so grateful for my blessings. Especially my two Z men.

Happy fall y'all!!!

FIFi xo

8 comments:

Klaudia Achenbach-Wege said...

Dear Fiona,
I am afraid of dying, too. When I think about that, that one day it will be my day to die, I could scream out loud because I don't want to stop existing.
Even Jesus was afraid of dying when he was hanging at the cross.
It is a "natural" fear, almost everybody knows this fear, even the wisest sages.
So you don't have to be ashamed of that. We need to face our fears and accept them, though it is so hard. But know: you are loved, you don't go through this valley alone!
Live the moment and don't worry. The present moment is eternal ...

Anonymous said...

My Precious Sister in Christ Fiona!!! You amaze me everyday! Your honesty shows just how encouraging you are to others! Tomorrow is the big day! I am praying for GOD to "send the Pac-Man" to chomp the tumor away, for GOD to give you peace, strength, encouragement and all the love to carry you through this "season". I am so honored and blessed to be able to call you friend. Fiona, your light for CHRIST shines through even when you are down and sad. I LOVE YOU and I am always here to love, support, encourage and pray for you and with you! Remember,: Name it, proclaim it, see it, believe it and pray it!! IN THE NAME OF JESUS please heal Fiona!! xoxo, LaDonna

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you daily and will be especially tomorrow. May GOD give you the peace you need to get through the day and the healing that I know he is capable of providing. Love you sister, keep strong.
Love LinMarie from Fl

Gena said...

FiFi, I too am so afraid for you and I want to have you in my life forever. Despite my fear I truly believe that God has wrapped His arms around you and will guide you through this trying time. God is Good and you are His gift to all who you have touched.

The Pac-man theme is great. Now let's watch it do it's thing and chomp the $%#@% out of that cancer. Lots of love and prayers for you today and always. XOXO

Cassy Quick said...

Fiona,

You have a heart of gold and your strength is truly amazing.... i don't think you realize the enormity of it! Keep your chin up! :)

Praying Pac-Man passes all levels, thinking of you daily!

Sam said...

Fi, I am giving you a hug. Be strong for all, we need you. As always, you are all in my prayers.
Love Sam

Mum2twopreciousgifts said...

Hi Fiona

I hope the chemo is going as well as chemo can and that all has gone well with your house settlement.

Michelle

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you Fiona and praying you're feeling well. xoxxoxo
Linmarie