Selfish?

It is 230am and although Zachary is sound asleep, I am up. Reflective. Nervous, scared but at peace too which is a good thing. I don't even know who reads this blog. I am so grateful for all your prayers. Believe me when I tell you that your prayers sustain me. They KEEP me and I reflect in Scripture when I am feeling scared. Like now. I've been doing great so far, and everyone around me has had a positive attitude. I don't want to let anyone down by saying that I feel scared. I think it is only human to admit my limitations. I am scared that I won't remember my husband's or my son's name after the surgery. I am glad that it's an awake craniotomy (which still boggles my mind, pardon the pun!) but I am also aware that we live in an imperfect world. Mistakes happen. I don't like these feelings of doubt.

Those of you who follow this blog know that I have always kept it pretty basic, not revealing too much of myself here. I am feeling scared. There I said it. But, I also have faith in the Lord. That's what gets me through.

I said to Zev the other day "I don't know how you can't believe in God." I really feel God's Presence. Like really feel when He is there, which is always.

Then I got to thinking: is all this selfish of me? To ask for and expect people to pray for me? I am asking you to pray for me to live on this earth longer, to support me and encourage me as I fight this cancer battle. I am a fighter and I have so many reasons to fight but is it selfish of me? I am so glad that we have health insurance and I can get operated on at one of the worlds top hospitals. Imagine if I didn't have health insurance? I want to help others.....but that is another story for later on :-))) I want to do God's will. What if that will means a limited time in earth?

So, when I am doubtful or scared I turn to what I know and trust best: The Word. It calms my soul. God is with me. He loves me and covers me with His protective hands. His feathers. There is a part in Psalms that says "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4. That imagery is wonderful. When I am in he MRI machine, all wrapped up and all alone, I imagine being wrapped up in God's feathers. I imagine how I hold Zachary and imagine God holding me, His child in this way too. I can't imagine Zachary being sick. The thought is too hard for me. It's hard to watch the sick children being wheeled around this hospital during the day. I can't imagine what it must be like for their parents. Gosh life can be hard... Please protect my boy oh Lord. I want You to be glorified of course and I accept your cup. I don't want Zachary to go through what I am going through now. I don't want anyone to go through what I am going through now! Even my "worst" client as a public defender! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I guess I love people too much. Everyone, even the worst criminal, is just a human being.

I feel confident that the surgery will go fine today. I am scared, for vanity reasons which is totally wrong but there I said it, that I am going to look horrendous afterwards. I know I am. The pre-op doctor yesterday alluded to that. You don't operate in someone's brain and expect them to look cute. Swelling, bruising. It's all going to be worth it though. I am excited that part of this tumor is going to come out. I wish it were more than 40 to 50% but I'll take what I can. The rest they can attack through radiation and chemotherapy. I am praying that the second part of my treatment works. Again, fear creeping in. But then I am reminded "But perfect love drives out fear." 1 John 4:18.

It's amazing what Scripture verses come to mind when you really need them. Like REALLY need them. I never learnt Scripture as a child; it's only now as an adult that I can learn basic stuff. Even now I am happy when I get the reference number straight! I thank all of you who have covered me ad provided me with Scripture. I have tied to look it all up. Sometimes I just stick with the basics though like Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." I plan to tell Dr. Quinones my life verse today (oh my gosh, TODAY I am having brain surgery!) which is Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

The Word of God does not return empty. He strengthens us.

I just heard my baby squeak. He is hungry. I am smiling :-)) I have a job to do and that is feed my baby.

He makes my heart sing with JOY.

I will leave you with some pictures from last night when we met up with my dad and Ceci and had a glamorous dinner in the hospital cafeteria. Which actually was nice and people didn't stare too much at the funny stickers on my face :-))

Have a great Thursday, August 16th. God is good. And faithful. I am grateful and I no longer feel scared.

I love you!

Fiona :-)