Thursday, August 16, 2012

Selfish?

It is 230am and although Zachary is sound asleep, I am up. Reflective. Nervous, scared but at peace too which is a good thing. I don't even know who reads this blog. I am so grateful for all your prayers. Believe me when I tell you that your prayers sustain me. They KEEP me and I reflect in Scripture when I am feeling scared. Like now. I've been doing great so far, and everyone around me has had a positive attitude. I don't want to let anyone down by saying that I feel scared. I think it is only human to admit my limitations. I am scared that I won't remember my husband's or my son's name after the surgery. I am glad that it's an awake craniotomy (which still boggles my mind, pardon the pun!) but I am also aware that we live in an imperfect world. Mistakes happen. I don't like these feelings of doubt.

Those of you who follow this blog know that I have always kept it pretty basic, not revealing too much of myself here. I am feeling scared. There I said it. But, I also have faith in the Lord. That's what gets me through.

I said to Zev the other day "I don't know how you can't believe in God." I really feel God's Presence. Like really feel when He is there, which is always.

Then I got to thinking: is all this selfish of me? To ask for and expect people to pray for me? I am asking you to pray for me to live on this earth longer, to support me and encourage me as I fight this cancer battle. I am a fighter and I have so many reasons to fight but is it selfish of me? I am so glad that we have health insurance and I can get operated on at one of the worlds top hospitals. Imagine if I didn't have health insurance? I want to help others.....but that is another story for later on :-))) I want to do God's will. What if that will means a limited time in earth?

So, when I am doubtful or scared I turn to what I know and trust best: The Word. It calms my soul. God is with me. He loves me and covers me with His protective hands. His feathers. There is a part in Psalms that says "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4. That imagery is wonderful. When I am in he MRI machine, all wrapped up and all alone, I imagine being wrapped up in God's feathers. I imagine how I hold Zachary and imagine God holding me, His child in this way too. I can't imagine Zachary being sick. The thought is too hard for me. It's hard to watch the sick children being wheeled around this hospital during the day. I can't imagine what it must be like for their parents. Gosh life can be hard... Please protect my boy oh Lord. I want You to be glorified of course and I accept your cup. I don't want Zachary to go through what I am going through now. I don't want anyone to go through what I am going through now! Even my "worst" client as a public defender! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I guess I love people too much. Everyone, even the worst criminal, is just a human being.

I feel confident that the surgery will go fine today. I am scared, for vanity reasons which is totally wrong but there I said it, that I am going to look horrendous afterwards. I know I am. The pre-op doctor yesterday alluded to that. You don't operate in someone's brain and expect them to look cute. Swelling, bruising. It's all going to be worth it though. I am excited that part of this tumor is going to come out. I wish it were more than 40 to 50% but I'll take what I can. The rest they can attack through radiation and chemotherapy. I am praying that the second part of my treatment works. Again, fear creeping in. But then I am reminded "But perfect love drives out fear." 1 John 4:18.

It's amazing what Scripture verses come to mind when you really need them. Like REALLY need them. I never learnt Scripture as a child; it's only now as an adult that I can learn basic stuff. Even now I am happy when I get the reference number straight! I thank all of you who have covered me ad provided me with Scripture. I have tied to look it all up. Sometimes I just stick with the basics though like Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." I plan to tell Dr. Quinones my life verse today (oh my gosh, TODAY I am having brain surgery!) which is Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

The Word of God does not return empty. He strengthens us.

I just heard my baby squeak. He is hungry. I am smiling :-)) I have a job to do and that is feed my baby.

He makes my heart sing with JOY.

I will leave you with some pictures from last night when we met up with my dad and Ceci and had a glamorous dinner in the hospital cafeteria. Which actually was nice and people didn't stare too much at the funny stickers on my face :-))

Have a great Thursday, August 16th. God is good. And faithful. I am grateful and I no longer feel scared.

I love you!

Fiona :-)

24 comments:

Angie Johnson said...

Fiona, you have given so much to us all in so many different ways. You are not selfish- people are praying because they love you. We want you around for a lot longer.
I am inspired by your positivity and in awe of you. It is okay to be scared. Anyone would be. Will be thinking of you tonight (your day).
Much love xx
Angie

Gena said...

Oh FiFi, you have every right to be scared, we are scared for you. God has great plans for you girl. See how in your 32 years you have touched the lives of so many. You'll be in GOD's hands today, no place better to be. If you come out of surgery not remembering Zev and Zac's names, don't fret their loving ways will come back to you along with their names. God be with you dear one. Until I see you again, Besos XOXO

Jane P said...

Dear Fiona, Your blogs are SUCH an INSPIRATION to me. I had similar feelings when we lost our baby daughter 9 years ago....I could FEEL God's presence like I never had before. God gives us what we need, when we need it,it seems.
Fear is a very normal, human reaction and you are NOT letting anyone down, even God, by acknowledging your fear.
You are in our thoughts and prayers this day as you have been everyday since we heard your news. Lots of Love to you, Zev and Zachary from The Porter Family!

Anonymous said...

I will be praying for you all day, Fiona. I am amazed at your strength. And part of it is admitting fear. I believe in the strength of prayer and I have been asking family and friends (even strangers) to pray for you and your family.
Today I am going to wear my sparkly pink headband in support of Fiona Day! You are such an amazing woman and inspiration.
Looking forward to Kaffee and Kuchen with you in a few weeks :)
Much Love,
Kristine Plummer <3

Anonymous said...

Hello beautiful neighbor! :-) I was thrilled to see your entry this morning and it gave me great comfort to see you with your loving and supportive family. Your unwavering faith and testimony has been such an inspiration to me. I like to remember that life is lived in the present. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is yet to be. Today is the miracle. This is your day Fi; your day for your miracle. You are truly blessed for, Blessed is the man who trusts is the Lord and has made the Lord his hope and confidence. Jeremiah 17:7 Dr. Q. is prepared today for I truly believe God's hands will be working through his. I pray for strenght for Zev and your family through this difficult morning, as I continue to pray for your and Dr. Q. as well. Love you girl! Robin

Sue said...

Fiona, I have been reading your blog and praying for you since Kelly Stamps posted a link last week. I woke up this morning with you on my mind. I've already prayed for you and I will be praying while you are in surgery.

Thank you for the privilege of praying for you. Thank you for being such a beautiful example of faith and love in the face of something so huge. Thank you for your amazing witness.

Please know that you will always have someone in Boston praying for you. :)

Litlmis said...

Oh Fi! You are so not selfish! You are an inspiration and you are allowed to be scared, even for your looks :)

I am so in awe of your faith and at the courage you show. So often we go through our lives and never stop to be grateful, you have taught me that these past few weeks by just being so gracious about your situation. I now look at even the most simple things and I am truly grateful.

Dr Q will have a steady hand I am sure, years from now you will be able to look back on this as a facinating chapter in your life that made you and everyone around you soon much stronger.

Thinking of you,

Kat xx

Anonymous said...

Hi, Fiona - I have been reading your blog since Kelly Stamps posted a link last week. You are truly an inspiration and have not been far from my thoughts, especially today! I am praying for you!! Love, Sara

Susan & Daniel said...

Hey Fiona,

you have all rights to be scared and no you are not selfish. There are people who believe in god and will pray for you and even the people who do not believe in god...they wont have you in their prayer but they sure have you in their thoughts. I have you in my mind each day. and as my grandparents (both!) just got diagnosed with cancer I always think back at your story. how much younger you are and still so positive and happy.
You should show your fear anytime you feel like it, people will always be supportive, especially your two men and all your family. You can do it and you will come out of it as strong as never before. I think of you today and hope for a good outcome!
Loeve,
Susi &Daniel

Jamie Wilhelm said...

Hi, Fiona -

I found your blog from Kelly Stamps and was surprised to find that you used to live in Shreveport, where I live! It's amazing how God can provide us with unique connections to people when we need support the most. Add another Shreveporter to your list of prayer warriors and may God bless you and your family and provide peace to you today and in the coming months.

All the best,

Jamie

Suzanne said...

Fiona,
God will protect you as He has done all along! My prayers are with you, and Zev, and Zachary and your family and your surgeons! Thank you for the gift of your strong faith...it was no coincidence that I found you in the driveway. We are all connected in the Body of Christ!
Peace and love,
Suzanne Bill

Jim said...

Fi,

When I saw you walk into our Sunday School class the other day with a smile on your face, I was absoulutely amazed. You say you are scared, I would be too, but you appear to handle your fear with such grace. That my dear, is the definition of pure courage.

When you say you feel selfish for praying for healing, I disagree. Take a look at 1 Kings 20:1-11. Hezekiah became mortally ill and cried out to the Lord and was granted 15 more years.

I am praying for much more than that.

Jim

Kimberly Green said...

Dear Fiona,
It has been so long since I have seen you in person, but you and your family are constantly in my thoughts and prayers! At this moment you are undergoing your surgery. I pray that you feel comforted as God's Blessings and peace surround you. Your faith and strength have inspired us all. I am truly in awe of you!! I know that God will see you and your family through this difficult time. I believe in the power of prayer!! Hang in there dear girl! There is so much love headed your way!! Kimberly Woodfield Green

{Jessica} said...

Prayed for you as soon as I woke up this morning, Fiona! And will continue to do so throughout the day today. It's perfectly okay to admit that you are scared - you wouldn't be human if you weren't. It's also perfectly alright to expect your fellow believers to pray for you. That's our job as Christians - to seek God in prayer! Be strong and know that He is with you through it all. You look beautiful, even with stickers all over your face. And you will look beautiful no matter what after surgery as well. We are here for you. Lifting you up!

Anonymous said...

rock it girl. praying from the rocky mountains!

Jess said...

Fiona,

While we have never met, I have been praying for you in the days leading up to your surgery. I am praying that everying will go well today and that you will be back to playing with that precious baby boy of yours in no time!

Love and prayers,
Jessica

Anonymous said...

You are one amazing woman! It is human to be scared, but in the midst of your trial, you are such an encourager and iinspiration to me. We are praying here in Wyoming, all day.

Julia Doolittle (Michelle's mom)

Michelle said...

You are such an amazing and strong woman! I will be praying for you and your family as you take on this monster.
Prayers from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
Michelle
(www.thingsthatmatter-m.blogspot.ca)

Kiki said...

I'm Ginny's best friend and have been praying for you! I don't think it's selfish. We are told to take all requests to God and pray continually. We don't know his will, so it's okay to pray for what we want along with the "not my will" caveat. Though I'm sure you have your moments of struggle, you seem full of joy and peace. May God use you in and beyond this circumstance to speak His name.

Anonymous said...

Dear Fiona and family,

A few weeks ago I stumbled upon your blog. It was through a prayer request posted on another blog that I read. I have prayed for you and your precious family. Today, my calendar was marked. I lifted up you all in prayer. Please know that so many people, many who are strangers, are sending so many loving thoughts your way.

Denise said...

Dear Fiona, Constant prayers coming your way from NYC. I am a very good friend of Kelly Boswell and she gave me the link to your blog. You are amazing and an inspiration! God be with you! I will be praying for you every step of the way. Xoxo Denise Kimball

Yeni Wilke said...

Fiona You don't have an idea how God is using you and your situation to help and bring hope to many many people who lost faith already in their situations; You are a chosen one from God to go thought out this, Because you can do it...be strong be brave that is what God want you to be , He is with you all the way....You made me cry of Joy and my heart is singing praises to the Lord....Be BLESSED DEAR FIONA, ZEN AND ZACHARY.

Kristi Williams Meiki said...

You simply amaze me..i have no other words! Praying daily, hourly for you, you consume my thoughts ;)
Your positive attitude astounds me, and your Faith is so moving! Its totally okay to be scared ..your human!! You are amazing, hope the healing process is not to painful. Prayers and love...
Kristi Meiki

Rachel King said...

Fiona, I read your blog. I smile and I cry. I am so proud of your strength and honesty and faith! It makes me look at my own life differently.

I pray for you. The more you ask the more prayer warriors you get! Don't be afraid to ever ask for prayer!

And see, there were no worries about the surgery ruining that beautiful face of yours! You look fabulous da'ling!

I don't know how you do it except for the grace of God...you are God's disciple...don't lose that! I can't imagine what it must be like to go through this with your family but keep up the good fight and trust in God and you can't lose!

You are a blessing...as it that beautiful little boy! I will continue to read your blog and continue to pray for you and your family! Keep showing that smiling face...even if its not smiling that's ok...we don't mind!

In God's Love...

Rachel King
Shreveport, LA