Saturday, July 28, 2012

The day that I collapsed and everything changed and yet I saw God'shand and was at peace

I know that this is an odd way to title this post, but it is 7.48am on Saturday morning, July 28th, 2012 and I wanted to convey what has been happening in my life these past few weeks.  This week has been interesting.  I say that with a smile on my face because when I think about how it all started, on Monday, July 16th, I see that really that day was normal, like any other day.  I made Zev his smoothie and coffee and note for his lunch box as I do every morning and then I took Zachary to Baby Garten at the local library and we sang and talked with the other mums.  I then came home, had some lunch, fed Zachary and then at about noon, went out into the driveway to put him in the car to drop him off at Penny's up the road for her daughters to babysit him while I went to the dentist.  I never made it to the dentist.  And here is the first instance of where I saw God's hand last Monday, July 16th and why I have a peace that surpasses all understanding about this whole situation.  You can call it a crazy situation, it's ok :-)

The fact that I was found passed out on my driveway at high noon on that hot day (I think it was 100 degrees Fahrenheit!), with the door open and Zachary sitting peacefully in his car seat.  We live on a fairly well traveled road and there was a lady a neighbor, Susanne, who I had never met before but who drove by and saw me passed out.  I had apparently passed out straight back, probably towards my left shoulder because my left side of my head hurt in the hospital afterwards.  She came to visit me in the hospital and said she thought I was sun tanning but said that this didn't register.  She was nice.  She said when she came to visit me that I tried to speak but I was doing something weird with my left hand and my legs were twitching.  I have never had a seizure before, so this scared me.  Also, when one has a seizure, one cannot drive for 6 months.  I know this sounds crazy, but I can't wait to drive again.  I can't thank her enough for coming.  Penny said later that Audrey drove by with her friends and came on over and called her mum.  I am so grateful that they did (another instance of God's divine hand playing a part) and that they took immediate action and took Zachary and cared for him and made sure he was safe.  I thank God that I wasn't driving or worse, that I had passed out indoors.  I was meant to pass out where people could see me and for this I am grateful.  I am so grateful for Zachary's well being.

This is hard for me to write, as there are so many thoughts all in my head and yet I want to make sure I get them down so that I can remember them.  I remember seeing the face of the EMT man in the ambulance.  He was an older man with a moustache and he looked really concerned.  I remember trying to smile at him and speak to him and reassure him that everything was ok!  Isn't that funny, me remembering trying to reassure him?  I never saw him again and I hope he knows how grateful I am for the quick reaction in getting me to Riverside ER.  I next remember the ER room and some nurses coming in and taking my vitals.  I remember seeing stuff as I was wheeled around like those wooden blocks that say "Believe."  I saw two of them; one was pink and sparkly and the other was black.  I remember being asked my name and address and being able to answer these questions.  I remember asking "what happened?" and being told I had passed out.  I remember asking about my son, where was he and being told he was being taken care of by a neighbor.  So many images and sounds.  I remember Zev coming in and being with me; that felt so nice.  I felt loved and reassured.  I remember my ER doctor not having a sense of humor.  I faulted him then but you know what, I can understand him now.  I told him he was joking when he came back with the MRI and CT scans and told me point blank that I have a brain tumor.  I told him twice "you're joking." He told me "I don't joke about these things."  He showed compassion when I started to cry.  He pressed my arm.  Being an ER doc is a hard job; dealing with life and death every day.  I can't blame him.  I will pray for him though.  Maybe today he will have a nice day.

I had a feeling of sadness come over me just now, but I logged onto facebook and saw my status entry for Monday, July 16th:   Listening to my son gurgle and coo in the swing while I drink my coffee. Life is good... 

A nurse intern at the hospital asked me what my son's name was and when I said Zachary, she asked "do you know what that means?"  Zev and I said "yes, it means the Lord remembers."  The Lord will remember Zachary.  I love him and Zev so much.  So much.  I want to live for them and I will fight this awful cancer diagnosis.  I want Zachary to remember his mum as a fighter, as a positive spirit and a generous spirit.  I will look over him and Zev from Heaven and although it sounds morbid to talk this way, one day when I am in Heaven, I will smile down on them.  I am getting sad now.  I have a mind to discard this post but I have to post it.  For memory's sake. 

I just read the daily entry from the devotional that my friend Natalie gave me this week.  July 28th:

Let my love seep into the inner recesses of your being.  Do not close off any part of yourself from Me.  I know you inside and out, so do not try to to present a "cleaned-up" self to Me.  Wounds that you shut away from the Light of My Love will fester and become wormy.  Secret sins that you "hide" from Me can split off and develop lives of their own, controlling you without your realizing it.  Open yourself fully to My transforming Presence.  Let My brilliant Love-Light search out and destroy hidden fears.  This process requires time alone with Me, as My Love soaks into your innermost being.  Enjoy My perfect Love, which expels every trace of fear.

Psalm 139: 1-4 and 23-24.  1 John 4:18


Lindsey said...

Oh Fiona! You are precious to my heart. I love you and your spirit so much!!! I am praying for you everyday. I cannot get you off my mind. Zachary and Zev are always going to see you as having a positive and generous spirit!!!!

Have a wonderful day and thank you for posting this!

Unknown said...

You are such an amazing person! Your positive attitude is so encouraging..i believe in miracles and so many people love you and are prsying for you and your family. You are here for a reason, you are an angel on Earth. Keep your head high and remain positive! Your strength is so unbelievable! Enjoy your day today witg your precious family. Thank you for posting precious!

Kristi Williams Meiki said...

From me above.
kristi Meiki

Hans and Gena said...

Throughout the past week, your faith is inspiring. I ask myself, who am I to question God’s wisdom. He has bigger plans for you Fi but I selfishly propose to Him that your time here doing His work on earth needs many more years. There's a miracle out there with your name on it...all over the world there are prayers to lift you on your recently re-directed journey. God Bless you and the boys. Hans and Gena

Erin Leigh Waddell Garrett said...

I cannot even begin to explain how much in awe of you I am. You are such an amazing being and presence. We love you and are praying for you and your prexious family.

Laura and Ryan said...

Dear Fiona,

You are such an inspiration. It's so amazing how God's hand is in this. I can't believe you saw the word "Believe" twice in the hospital. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences. What a mighty God! You are a fighter and one of the most positive and generous people I know. We love you and are praying for you, Zev and Zachary every single time I think of you throughout the day. I can feel God writing an amazing story right now and using you as the star.

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful post, typically throughout you are thinking of everyone around you and that their wellbeing was taken care of.

You are right that you are being watched over and looked after and I agree that it was a true blessing that Zachary was safely strapped into his chair, not in your arms when you collapsed.

During our time at Glenbrook, with all the stuff that you worked through and the way that 'trying types' used to test you I have a mental picture of the young Fifi looking adversity in the eye, digging your heels in, knuckling down with a smile on your face, concerned about everyone around you and fighting this thing.

Fi, you are so vibrant and full of colour and life and such a creative, intelligent and articulate woman. As a spiritualist I don't sit down for a dedicated pray per se, but since I read that very first cancer post I knew that it would be what you would want, so believe me when I tell you that you ARE foremost in my thoughts, every time (when I am home) I think of you, I stop, light a candle and say a prayer.

Have there been any other options from the 2nd and third opinions?
Bless honey xox

ps. Lucky i make my own soy candles, I am scorching through a mountain of wax xox

emily mixon said...

Your post is simply stated and full of raw emotion. Thank you for sharing your story.You may remember me as Susie's daughter from woodridge. Please know that Shreveport is wrapping you and your family up tightly in prayer. God has a plan for you and HE is in complete control!!!